You can probably tell that I’m an newbie to the ostomy game because I just found the Newostomy Slang Dictionary – the Wicked Funny Pedia of all things Ostomy. Move over Urban Dictionary! Anything that can make me shiggle is a winner in my book.
As a personal addition, I would like to add “Tommy: ostomy for those that fall victim to auto-correct”
5Anti-stickum, noun, any agent, formulation or ingredient that prevents the barrier from sticking to the skin. May result in a stoma malfunction.
A**itude, noun, descriptive term to describe a bag peep’s positive attitude to go for the gusto while living with an ostomy.
Back Gas, noun, term used to describe the gaseous substance that backs up and balloons in the stoma pouch; known to be explosive and possibly toxic; caution is advised.
Bag Baby, noun, derivative of Bag Peeps, beloved little ones with a stoma with loving and caring parents providing stoma care
Bag Brag, verb, pride a bag peep expresses when their stoma buddy operates in an approved, discrete manner in a highly public situation. (Antonym, see Going Stoma).
Bag Burp, can be used as noun or verb, the manual release of back gas from the ostomy bag by either the flange pop or the tail release method. Care and dexterity must be exercised to avoid a stoma malfunction.
Bag Gangers, noun, a group of bag peeps with ostomy affiliations who gather together to share and care; as individuals they are awesome, as a group they are invincible; not to be messed with. Note: the primary identifying characteristic is one or more bags affixed to the abdomen; however, as these are not visible, great care must be exercised so as not to p * ss one off inadvertantly.
Bag Lady, noun, generic term for female bag peeps.
Bagette, noun, it’s like a normal bag but cheaper. Alternate usage: Smaller mini bags used when engaging in activities such as swimming and intimacy.
Baggravate, verb. Actions a stoma takes to irritate, annoy and otherwise try to mess with us. Requires patience, judicious cursing and use of our peep bag-o-tricks to get it back under control. Baggravation, noun form.
Bagot, noun, narrow minded people who can’t handle the awesomeness of a bag wearer.
Bagtastrophy, noun, the complete breakdown of the personal ostomy system due to a disasterous stoma malfunction; may result in an exploding bag, extreme leakage due to loss of seal and other horrific events. The phenomena can happen at any time, anywhere and plays no favorites, affecting experienced and new bag peeps alike. Immediate action is required to locate a safety zone and secure the situation; often requires the use of everything in the Mergency Kit to perform a complete bag change in an uncomfortable, restricted and public place, testing the bag peeps’ courage and patience to the max. May result in a bag peep Going Stoma. See also Defcon 1 Situation and Murphy’s Law of Ostomates
Blow-out, noun. Failure of pouching system blow out preventer; usually resulting in a complete stoma disaster requiring immediate remedial action to contain the gusher, clean up the mess and install new stoma gear. (See also bagtastrophy).
Blow-out preventer, noun. Stoma pouching system designed to keep product securely in the bag.
Borrowed food, noun. Refers to the wholeness of foods that come out in the bag looking the same as when they went in. Examples: corn, peas, some greens, mushrooms. Also see Finders Jeepers.
Bubble Wrap Bag, noun. This is where bubbles form on the inside bag structure. They appear to be safe to pop (no one has reported a failure from doing it yet) and as the companies have yet to figure out what appears to cause them, you get your own personal bubble wrap joy without the threat of someone stealing it from you.
Bulk Food Sydrome, noun, when a bag peep runs amok in a bulk food store, after possibly years of deprivation, and buys and consumes mass quantities of once forbidden food without applying the Bag Peeps’ Mantra: Eat mostly what is good for me; eat what will pass through without too many ill effects; eat in small to moderate quantities; chew the hell out of anything other than mashed potatoes.
Carrying Around a Lot of Baggage, verb, literal interpretation of a slang term for people with “issues”; descriptive of a bag peep with a full load in the bag.
Chute System, noun, future replacement colon, currently a vacuum hose, camera aperture and rip cord, not feasible for human application at this time.
Clam neck, noun. Stoma that extends out when excited. Visible when gear is taken off and stoma is allowed fresh air and a shower. Antonym, see turtle.
Color Splash, noun, the natural dyeing effect certain foods have on stoma output, ex., beets, spinach; may startle a new bag peep who may fear an internal malfunction has occurred. Also see Pouch Palette.
Colostomedical Constipation, noun, stoma output failure due to the use of prescribed pain medications resulting in a medical Catch 22 – suffer or poop. Can be relieved by the use of other medical aids to soften stool or possibly by natural means such as prune juice. See also Constomation.
Constomation, noun, condition of a bag peep’s digestive system resulting in concrete like nuggets which transit through the intestines and/or colon very slowly and with great difficulty and ocasionally may expel into the bag with great force not unlike an AK 47 (see also Pellets and Chowder). Unfortunately can also cause serious and painful blockages of the small intestine or colon requiring medical intervention.
Crappe, word used to get the word **** past the auto-censor on C3life.
Crinkle Effect, noun, the sound similar to wadded up plastic wrap a clear bag makes after three days due to loss of elasticity resulting in a crinkling sound whenever the bag peep bends and twists. Usually leads to an order for opaque padded bags.
Curious George, noun, name for an inquisitive, usually overactive stoma; frequently causes stoma malfunctions. Inspired by a series of children’s books written by Hans and Marget Rey.
Cut and Cap, verb. Action of cutting a pouch opening to fit snugly over a stoma to cap the flow of product.
Cut and Run, can be used as noun or verb, the action a bag peep takes to quickly remove him or herself from the scene of a bag burp. Related, but not necessarily approved, actions may include sidelong glances and uplifted eyebrows directed at an innocent bystander in order to deflect attention.
DECON 1 Situation, noun, adapted from military usage for a serious security issue; descriptive of a dire stoma emergency requiring immediate remedial action by the bag peep to secure the situation. Usually always requires the usage of items found in a Mergency Kit.
Double Baggers, noun, also known as twins. Bag peeps with more than one bag, thus increasing exponentially the possibilities of going stoma.
Eggplant in pants, noun, result of back gas and requiring a bag burp.
Erkelish, adj, unusually high stoma causing bag peep to pull up pant beltline causing a “high-water” look at the pant cuff. An ostomy fashion faux pas.
Faux Rectum, noun, slang term for a J-Pouch which is an internal waste collection device to replace a missing rectum; formed from bits and pieces of the small intestines. Not to be confused with a Rubber Rectum which is an artificial external collection device; and definitely not to be confused with a Phantom Rectum which exists only in the mind of a bag peep and collects dust.
Finders Jeepers, noun, due to the nature of colostomies and ostomies and the sometimes minimal processing of intake, leading to a game played by bag peeps to identify contents post processing. Participation is entirely voluntary and played on the honor system. A score of 10, while excellent and worthy of the rubber rectum award, probably indicates the bag peep has eaten waaay too much.
Friendly Fire, noun. The undesired effect of a life saving treatment such as surgery, chemo or radiation that sometimes leads to a person becoming a bag peep. Can include other undesired effects such as nerve damage, fistulas or neuropathy.
Frosting the Cake, verb, the too liberal use of stoma paste to fill in any dips in the area around the stoma which can create a problem with the barrier not sticking adequately; possibly leading to a stoma malfunction.
Fruity Tooty, noun. Use of fruit scented oils resulting in a aromatic bag burp.
Glad Bag, in a perfectly round world, the appliance worn by bag peep is well behaved, properly placed, has good adhesion and there ino cross interference from other attire or accessory. This always results in a happy bag peep.
Going Stoma, noun, unexpected and undesirable eruptions, malfunctions and other ostomy mayhem caused by a a disconnect between what the bag peep desires and what the stoma actually does; often results in trust issues; common verb usage is a bag peep’s venting of stoma frustration. Synonyms, Rogue Stoma,
Junk shot, noun. In an effort to stem the flow, throwing everything possible at chronic leaks – every sample product, tape, paste, seal, belt, etc.
LBL, noun, acronym for Lovely Bag Ladies. No other definition needed. Well, except for the synonym BBB (Beautiful Bag Broads).
Leg warmer, noun, a pouch, recently filled with product, resting against a bag peep’s thigh. Has the temporary effect of a hot water bottle. Desirable in winter in cold climates.
Lock and Load Bag, noun, a more descriptive term for lock and roll bags.
Lube Job: noun, the insertion of lubricating agents into the bag in order to prevent sticking, pancaking, gluing, etc., making it difficult for the bag peep to execute a successful shake, strip and slide maneuver. A non-commercial option for the do-it-yourselfers is the use of cooking spray. The deluxe lube job may include the additional insertion of odor eliminating agents. Note that the addition of fruit scented oils may result in a fruity tooty.
Master Blaster – Noun, when a locked and loaded bag inflates to the max; WARNING! Contents under pressure.
Mergency Kit, noun, bag, purse, back pack, briefcase, or other container used to carry one, if not two, of every conceivable ostomy item needed to resolve a stoma malfunction or bagtastrophy. Synonym: M Urgency Kit (My Urgency Kit)
Milking, verb, action a bag peep takes to work any last bit of residue down below the bag closure level when the best efforts during the tail end cleansing phase are not totally successful due to the stubborn nature of some product.
Ms. Wonderful, noun, wonderful person of the female gender; note there is no Mr. Wonderful.
Mt. Vesuvius, noun, used to describe a stoma eruption resulting in extremely heavy, lava-like flow thaat may generate friction heat due to the rapid expulsion of product from the stoma also known colloquially in Northwest USA as Mt. St. Helens (see alsoGoing Stoma).
Murphy’s Law of Ostomates, noun; common knowledge that a bag peeps’ malfunctions often happen away from the home base toilet. This necessitates the requirement to travel with a Mergency Kit to include one, if not two, of every possible thing a bag peep might need to deal with a stoma malfunction. Common knowledge also holds that at home stoma malfunctions occur in the middle of the night, in bed, in the dark.
Number 3, noun, going through a stoma as opposed to going number 1 and 2 through the originally issued parts.
Ostagnent, noun, unusual dual meaning term used by bag peeps to either 1) describe a a sluggish and lazy elimination system requiring ingestion of multiple over-the-counter or prescription products, drinking gallons of water, combined with wishing and hoping and usually accompanied by copious cursing in order to get product moved through and into the bag; or 2) bag lady who is experiencing the joys of pregnancy.
Osthesis, noun, adapted from the Greek term prosthesis; descriptive of an ostomy bag as an artificial device to replace a missing or impaired part of the alimentary canal or urinary tract. (See also rubber rectum)
Ostomafia, noun, a society of a unique group of individuals consisting of bag men and women. To be a “made” member requires the acquisition of one or more stomas; not to be undertaken lightly as it is often a lifetime commitment. Members frequently provide nicknames to their stomas, a compilation of which can be found on the C3Life stoma website (a notorious hangout for bag men and women). See logo below. Also known as the Rose Bud Familia or Osta Nostra.
Ostomaze, noun. The confusing, often frustrating, number of decisions about gear, application of gear, skin care, nutrition, etc. that a new bag peep confronts after acquiring a stoma buddy.
Ostomistic, adjective. An ostomate who is ostomisitic has a positive attitude. (See also A**itude.)
Ostamize, verb, economy measures practiced by a bag peep to optimize product use and economize to lessen costs. May include such actions as leaving product bottles upside down to drain out the very last drop, cutting cohesive rings in half and remolding them into a circle, squeezing one more day out of the stoma gear, etc. Extreme frugality measures such as duct taping a Glad bag around the stoma is highly discouraged.
Ostomy Anxiety, noun, slang clinical term used by bag peeps to describe the overall or specific fear or phobia of dealing with various ostomy issues. Examples include: loud stoma noises, gas, leakage, bag dumping in public places, intimacy issues with a loved one, etc. Treatment often involves aversion therapy, the more it happens, the less it bothers the bag peep as he or she gains skills to successfully deal with the situation. Also found to be beneficial is interaction with other bag peeps on a web site forum. Successful completion of therapy often results in membership in the IDGAS club.
Ostomy Exhaust System, noun, term used by bag peeps to refer to the collective ostomy evacuation and gas release system. (See also, product, back gas, ostomy power grid).
Ostomy Power Grid, noun, the harnessing of the cumulative effects of bag peeps’ back gas; at this writing, under EPA and DOE consideration for possible harmful effects and also for the positive impacts on the power supply and lowering of the carbon footprint by preventing direct release into the atmosphere.
Ostotainment, noun. The art of discovering entertaining aspects to having a stoma. See Bubble Wrap Bag.
Ostovet, noun, a bag peep of long standing with many years under their belt (so to speak )
Ostresized, noun, just when you thought it safe to order your flanges pre-cut, the bugger goes and changes size on you again! Consideration could be given to having a flange exchange party to get rid of those boxes of wrong sized products.
Pancaking, verb, derived from the School of Stoma Art, a waffling of biological human waste products around a protruding stoma (not to be confused with any products associated with IHOP).
Paranormal Ostomy Activity, noun, relating to a sixth sense experienced by a bag peep when a stoma will become active, usually resulting in taking prompt pre-emptive action to avoid a stoma malfunction.
Pellets and Chowder, noun, term describing the pendulum swings a stoma makes in producing output. Not to be confused with Pancaking, often the result of a rogue stoma producing sludge that refuses to slide neatly down the bag and may result in a malfunction and a bag peep going stoma.
Phantom Bag Syndrome, noun, after a successful reversal, the compelling need a former bag peep has to periodically check the area of the abdomen where the stoma resided to ensure it’s well being and bag fullness factor. Fades with time as the bag peep fully comes to the realization that the stoma really is history.
Phantom Rectum, noun, the compelling urge a bag peep feels to do a number 2 the old school way, even though the peep may not even have a rectum or it is non-functioning. Akin to phantom pain experienced by amputees.
Post Ostomy Stress Disorder (POSD), noun, quasi clinical definition for the anxiety and fear felt by a bag peep for a period of time after ostomy surgery often resulting in crying jags, low self esteem, feelings of shame, fear of intimacy issues (see alsoOstomy Anxiety) The same therapeutic measures described under Ostomy Anxiety are beneficial for treating POSD.
Potty Emergency, noun, Pre-ostomy syndrome whereby a bag-peep-to-be spends too much quality time in the bathroom (loo for the Brits).
Pouch Polka, noun, descriptive term for the quick, side stepping maneuver used to remove oneself from the scene after doing a bag burp. Synonym, Bag Boogie.
Pressure cooker, noun. Used to describe an event when an ostomy pouch is so full of gas that, unless extreme caution is exercised, a volatile explosion of the contents will occur when opened. NOTE: should this occur, be sure to point the opening away from your face or the walls or floor. Direct opening into the toilet is strongly advised
Product, noun, stoma output, also known as poop, sh*t, pee.
Pouch Palette, noun. Bag peep intentionally mixes colors for effect, e.g. red licorice + M9 drops = purple; carrot soup + Pepto Bismol = burnt umber. May indicate artistic tendencies (or mental health challenges). See also Color Splash.
Rectal Vault, noun, repository for discarded “treasures” of the alimentary system. Opening and closing sequences may require outside intervention when the egress code wires get crossed (i.e., Imodiumn, Pepto Bismol, Milk of Magnesia, Colcace, etc.).
Rectum Be Gone, noun, descriptive slang term for a proctectomy.
Rectum Reps, noun, exercises performed by bag peeps in prepration for a reversal to ensure the rectum muscles stay strong.
Rectum Resurrection, noun, the miraculous urge a bag peep without a rectum, or with a useless stumpy, experiences to eliminate product the old school way. May coincide with an actual bag dump. (see also phantum rectum).
Reek Food, noun, types of food that have a significant odor factor in the output phase to include seafoods, eggs, asparagus. To be eaten sparingly, unless of course it is the prime season for said product such as crab and asparagus and the bag peep just cannot resist gorging and is willing to accept the consequences (see also Bulk Food Syndrome).
Relief well, noun. A stoma; “relieves the pressure on the runaway gusher in favor of a controlled pumping.” (verbatim, BP)
Rosebud, noun, descriptive term for a stoma that protrudes from the abdomen in atrractive reddish concentric circles.
Rubber Rectum, noun, descriptive and inoffensive term used to denote a relocated a ** ss hole (the offensive term).
Saint Stoma, noun, mythical patron saint of bag peeps; prayed to in order to request good stoma behavior prior to important events and for strength to avoid going stoma when stoma misbehavior occurs.
Sauced up, noun, condition induced by medical types in preparation for colonoscopy; see sedation.
Scratching a Chips Jones, verb. Common usage allows for the substitution of any food item in place of chips. The term recognizes a peep’s beloved snack which he/she thought was off limits, but subsequently discovered a close substitute that satisfies the craving.
Second Effort, noun, the action a rogue stoma takes to evacuate a ginormous quantity of product after the bag peep has just emptied, cleansed, put in additives, locked, clamped, stapled, taped or otherwise secured the bag and is ready to get off the toilet. This necessitates starting the whole process over again. Also known as doo-doo overs.
; or Semi Colon, noun, descriptive term for bag peeps who only have part of their colon and that part ends in a stoma.
Shake, strip and slide, verb, action taken by bag peeps to get product pooled at the top of the bag to the bottom evacuation point. Stripping action is not unlike that taken by a pastry chef with a pastry bag. Sometimes caused by a lack of enough bag lubricant to aid in sliding.
Shooting the s**t, verb, uncontrolled, major spewing action by the stoma during a bag change; also known as bag change interruptus.
Shower Spurt, noun, the manner in which a stoma expresses it’s unbridled joy at being free and clear of all stoma gear in the shower by spurting all over the bag peep and the shower. The only advantage over a normal stoma malfunction is that the bag peep is already in a clean-up zone.
Sleep Bagging, verb, the ability of bag peeps to perform bag maintenance duties in the middle of the night (whether it be a bag burp or empty maneuver) on auto-pilot. This prevents the bag peep from fully waking up and aids in getting a restful night’s sleep. See also Paranormal Ostomy Activity.
Snap On Waste Device, noun, another of many terms used to describe a stoma; see also TupperwareTM Snap Lid.
Snuggie Effect, noun, the use of of heating tools such as hair dryers and heating pads to warm the barrier prior to skin application to ensure good adhesion. Alternative usage: the use of cloth covered bags, belts, various wraps, etc., to muffle the sounds of stoma burbling and gurgling.
Stoma Outfit, noun, fashion term for the collective parts of a stoma ensemble that bag peeps wear to collect output (also known as sh*tbag, p*ss pouch, gear).
Stomata, noun (plural form). Those strange marks that appear on (or sometimes near) the toilet, or clothing that are the result of midnight bathroom visits due to lack of conscious thinking, vision and manual dexterity in the dead of night. Alternate usage: lumps, bumps, rashes, discolorations and other physical markings lurking underneath the flange; sometimes requiring professional asssistance and products to eradicate to avoid pain and leakage issues.
Super Dooper Pooper Blooper – Noun, when the ostomy stars are totally out of alignment and everything that could possibly go wrong with your stoma at once, does; likely to happen at the most inopportune moment and often results in the bag peep going stoma.
Superpoo, noun, Poo that will not release it’s hold on the bowl. requiring nothing less that a chisel and 15 flushes to clear the area. Name adapted from the commercial product, Superglue (R) (TM).
Substitutiary Fungi Reconstitution. verb, The unexplainable paranormal reconstitution of mushrooms, even if eaten whole, sliced, finely diced, pureed and chewed very well; returning to a semi normal recognizable state as in sliced or quartered mushroom pieces. This can lead to Substitutiary Fungi Reconstitution Locomotion Malfunction, commonly known as Blockage.
SDAS, acronym for Super-drippin-anti-stickum, noun, the annoying little drip under the stoma that the bag peep keeps cleaning up, but magically appears again before the bag can get placed.
The Dish Ran Away With the Spoon, verb, sourced from an old fairy tail; an allegorical description for a full bag pulling away from the flange resulting in a major stoma malfunction.
Tiggrrrism, noun, phrase used by THE Tiggrrr.
Tiggrrred, verb, being told off, or spoken to frankly by THE Tiggrrr; no frills, straight forward, non pantywaist answer to a question; a rebuke for whining. Often causing offense or shock, after which you are told to “GET OVER IT.
Toothpaste, adj, descriptive of a type of stoma output; syn: septic sludge.
Top kill, noun. Process whereby product gets backed up into the pipes causing a blockage. Desirable in oil well disasters; not desirable in bag peeps.
Transtomation, noun, the act or process of transforming the body’s elimination system to or from a stoma, to or from a J-Pouch, back to factory issue parts, reversals of reversals and any other permutations thereof. Not to be undertaken lightly requiring considerable research, spiritual guidance, consultation with health care professionals and concerned and caring bag peeps in order to make a decision that is right for them. May lead to Ostomy Anxiety requiring an immediate visit to the C3Life support forum for positive feedback and encouragement.
Trouser Trumpet, noun, farting sound made by a stoma when it’s overly active, often in the company of others and usually when there is dead silence. Damage control can include making a rude joke (a guy thing) or pointed stare’s at anyone else’s direction to try and deflect attention. See also Cut and Run and Snuggie Effect.
Tummy Nostril, noun, descriptive term for a stoma with output that tends to be on the liquid side, kinda like a constant sniffle. Some over the counter products like Immodium may offer some relief.
TupperwareTM Snap Lid, noun. The ring on a two-piece outfit that sounds the characteristic TupperwareTM SNAP when secured tightly. (Burping is optional on application but will be necessary later.)
Turtle, noun. Stoma that pulls in when anxious or overheated, e.g. when heat from a hair dryer is applied; antonym, see clam neck.
Wheelin’ wifey, noun, 1.) Female spouse in a tizzy over slow moving medical grind and red tape. 2) more common usae – biker’s spouse.
Wee Problem, noun, term used specifically by urostomy bag peeps to describe minor (and sometimes major) issues with resolving a pee bag problem.
Working Back Up the Food Chain, verb, after a successful ostomy, the experimentation process of adding back in foods a bag peep could not eat after possibly years of food deprivation due to various alimentary ailments. Not always succssful, seeSubstitutiary Fungi Reconstitution.